I find it ironic how my blog title speaks so little of my posts. I named it happy pill because I really thought this blog will be the notes of memorable happy memories that I will look back after months or years of growing and stacks of experience. Lately, it wasn’t coinciding to it. It was depressive and lonely. From heartbreaks to unemployment. To life dramas and loneliness. I am nearing the depth of the abyss, when coldness and silence are not odd anymore.
Actually, to formally conclude my recent previous posts. I am somehow disrupted, physically, emotionally and intellectually. I was sick and my gastritis keeps haunting me back. I got more skinny and insomnia’s a friend again. Ive been seeing doctors lately. Even my teeth got a little out of track that I have to find a new dentist myself. It wasn’t a good vacation, somehow.
Then there goes emotionally down. I had breakups and more fights. I hadn’t been good with my parents lately, especially that I am having more time with them now. It feels like i’m a child again, more limitations and rules. Even my friends where nowhere. They’ve been busy and when they’re not they have their other worlds already. Nobody to talk to, nobody to text. The social site is nothing because I don’t see any familiarity to it. My old colleagues have lived and have left me unnoticed.
Lastly, I got intellectually weak. I felt like I’m getting stupid and dull. I got no interesting thoughts in my head. I even lost my communication skills. I cannot comprehend even jokes and the trends. I felt like I was trap in a cave for years and got nothing but cricket noises. Then after a few months of hiatus from business, I get a lot of rejection from employers. Some were harsh, some were trying not to. I felt like I cannot compete in my field anymore. I lost everything.
But there’s one thing that keeps me going.
I know I am spiritually striving. I believe that despite all falls, He’s pulling up. I may have not excel but I’ve been living my day to day downfalls. I know that everyday that I disappoint myself or others, God pulls me to walk through shame, stand up and even force me to smile. I should really be thankful to it though, I’m realized that I’ve been really lucky before but I have just taken everything for granted. I believe and I should hold on a little firmly to what will I be having soon. I know soon is somewhat far, but I strongly affirm that I will have one soon.